looking at the mountains.

i’m looking for a really cool flowerpot.  possibly maroon.  there is a cactus called “happy young lady” and i’m going to get one and put it in my pot.  and it’s going to live in my room.

it’s crazy how everything can change in a day.

so i took over caring for w - a big step, for sure.  it became official on sunday.

w’s been having some troubles with the transition.  a’s still been around, so i think he’s been confused, and angry, which i get.  i don’t like changes much either. 

but today he sliced his arm open at day program badly enough that he had to go to the e.r.

my timing was spot on in that i arrived after he’d been treated and was sitting on the floor.  on drugs.  :)  he stood up and came over to me and leaned against me.  then he took my hand and started trying to leave. :)  lol.  it was adorable.

we had a great day.  he was drugged out for a while and then came to and we drove around and he laughed and smiled.  i felt good, and responsible, and, well, kind of how a parent would feel i guess.

then i missed a phone call from “the state.”  and accidentally deleted it without writing down the number.

i started growing paranoid that something had happened - the nurses at the hospital thought i looked too young and irresponsible.  someone reported me for something minor.  a red flag flew up because he wound up in the e.r. less than a week after i took over his care.

and then i really felt like mom.  or a foster parent.  or whatever.  realizing that he could be taken away at any moment, for anything.  realizing that i need to watch my ass, and be careful, and that it wasn’t just me and my shit at stake anymore.

a told me he’s pretty sure it’s just the housing department wanting to give me money.  so i think everything’s fine.  it’s just been an intense day.  an intense week, actually. 

but everything seems to have ironed out okay.  w is okay.  and i think i will be too.  :)